Things were going really well this morning; got my workout in, showered and was ready to tackle my office filing. Then, one small misunderstanding ruined my mood and my day. I tend to hold on to hurt and anger and let it bring me down. I will turn inward and become silent, bathing in those dark feelings and allowing myself to dwell there all day. I have shut down.

Does anyone else deal poorly with negative emotions? I have no problem dealing with positivity, but then again, who does. I have always been a happy person; however, as life keeps edging along, I have noticed that I allow sadness and hurt to take up a lot of space in my head and heart. Possibly because I am too tired to fight it. I have found that since the significant losses of my grandmothers and my parents, I do not handle loss well at all. Maybe it is a combination of that and aging, really not sure.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t want to do this again. Other than just telling myself to let it go, all I can think of doing is what my Mom told me she did with her “boyfriend” in her late years. Mom told me that when he really pissed her off, she would go into their bathroom, look into the mirror and say “(his name) you really can be an asshole” and then let it go. She did not want to say anything to him directly, so this is how she handled her anger with her partner. Who knows, she probably did that with everyone. Just thinking about that makes me laugh. Boy, do I miss her.

My experience with this whole aging thing, is that I am getting crabbier. I don’t feel like dealing with stuff that upsets me. I would prefer to just walk away; however, I am finding that isn’t the answer either. The need to correct things in my own mind is strong and yet my difficulty dealing with hurt and anger are too. Too old to fix myself and too cranky to do it. Looks like another thing I need to work on.

Oh hell, why can’t life be easier.

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