This is a good thing because it means I’m still here. My birthday is not today, but it is around the corner. Very early this morning, I woke up with my mind going a mile a minute; various songs flipping back and forth in my mind, almost creating a mash up of Rod Stewart and the Jackson 5 if you can believe that?! Then my mind zoomed into a look back at all the mistakes I have made, bad judgement calls and things that should be put to bed where they belong. The problem is when it’s 5:00 in the morning and there is nowhere to go, you can be stuck in the “I can’t sleep” panic mode.
As I took a pain pill, because that is what woke me up, I started to realize how my mind works so differently now than it did 50, 40, 30, even 20 years ago. The vision of my life and certain moments can be viewed differently with each passing decade.
As a young girl, I saw myself as caring and always wanting to help anyone that was left out or treated poorly. For the most part that was (and still is) exactly who I was. It hurt me to see someone sad, or lonely or feeling as if they don’t belong. I was a good kid.
All the years in between then and now changed me. As I have gotten older, I can see myself for all the good, bad and ugly things in my past. I always thought that little girl and her soft heart followed me through the years; but she wasn’t always there. We have to move past regret though, because it will eat you alive. I believe being honest with myself is the only way to put my best foot forward.
So, as I lay in bed this morning, mind racing, I realized that I need to do so much better. Not just surface niceties, there is a need in me to help people and I need to bring it out fully. I have always thought my purpose was to be empathetic, consoling and caring. Those traits are in my heart and this time around the sun it’s time to reach a little deeper than I ever have. To open that soft heart again to people outside of my circle with my children and husband. It will not be for praise or commendation, it will be between myself and God.
Once I felt that was settled in my mind, Rod Stewart stopped singing, no more Jackson 5, I was able to go back to sleep for an hour. I woke up feeling refreshed and calm. It was a good morning.