I’m Seeing the Light Again

It has been such a long time since I have felt like connecting with the online world; and not because I have been depressed or too busy. It has been a wonderful change to living in the moment. I’ve been practicing it since the beginning of the year; but, I finally feel like it’s taking hold.

As a young girl I was a sweet, caring and very empathic child. I felt a need, almost a responsibility, to stand up for anyone who was left out, bullied or just not accepted because they were different. It was my thing. I didn’t think twice about it, I literally felt pain when I saw someone treated in a way that was wrong. I loved that little girl and she was a good soul. She started to disappear when I got into high school. No room for her in my schedule of trying to make friends at a new school. She became selfish, confused and lost her way. She was still there, but she was not being nurtured.

Now, I don’t plan to tell you what happened to her in every aspect of my life; however, I will tell you that when she did lose her way, all of the experiences of youth took a toll; a symbolic cut here, a slap there, being shunned by those who should have supported her. It was difficult to keep standing. The worst part was I no longer cared. I didn’t care about others and I didn’t care about myself.

Now life has a way of knocking sense back into you and thank heavens that is what eventually happened. The only drawback was that the scars were there, underneath everything. The experiences shaped who I would become as an adult. Somewhat battered and bruised, but hopeful, always hopeful.

Becoming a mother was probably my saving grace. My children meant everything to me and they didn’t have to break through any armor. It was simply unconditional love and blessings. The reality of life became clear; however, I didn’t realize that all of the old cuts and scrapes changed me from the essence of who I was supposed to be. I did start caring again, but I was not going to allow anyone to hurt me again, so I kept people at an arms length.

After my mother passed last year, there were a couple of incidents that made me believe I was either going to have to forgive some people or completely let them go. Life altering wounds hit me hard and shattered the final moments between my mother and I. I didn’t believe I could ever forgive these people for, as I saw it, irreparable damage to the final moments with the woman I adored. I was broken and I was done.

Now, the reason I am writing about this, is because my search for peace brought me back to God, and He in turn reintroduced me, well, to me. It hit me like a warm summer’s breeze taking me by surprise. I wasn’t hit over the head with it, it just entered my mind. Clarity. I would like to believe it is a gift from God and my mother. I have not felt this empowered and strong for ages.

I don’t care what anyone thinks, or what they say to or about me. I know who I am and what is important, and that is the gift I feel I have been re-gifted. You wont see any difference in me, you may notice that I look a little lighter, less tense or burdened; but, most will not notice a thing.

I struggled for the past few years of not knowing what my purpose was, why I was truly here. I feel as though I understand it now. It’s not a “thing” or a skill for me. I know what it is and I am going to embrace it wholeheartedly. God returned to my life in a way I hadn’t expected. With His return, I gained a greater understanding of the world around me and my place in it.

Never give up your search for answers. Look inward. Whether you believe in God or Buddha or another divine being; be true to yourself and what you know is right and good. Peace is there for the taking. It’s inside of you, you just have to keep your eyes open and shut out all of the “noise” around you.

Thank you Lord, and thank you Mom.


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