Getting Ready for …

I’m not really sure what I am getting ready for at this point. My mom’s remains will be buried tomorrow in the plot with my dad. What would I have to get ready for? Well, honestly, I have to get ready for anything. The main thing is not to forget to bring mom to the party. I have been watching over her (in her urn) for a while now and I definitely need to make sure I don’t forget her. I have three sisters, two out of state, that will be coming with their families, my family and of course loved ones and friends of mom’s. You would think I am hosting them all at my home, which (thank heavens) I’m not.

My dad passed away on April 5, 1999. I remember the date, it’s seared into my brain. It was devastating to lose the man I considered to be my protector, my hero. On the day of his service I found out that I don’t handle death well. There was a “misunderstanding” about a ring my mother offered me on that day. I was so overwhelmed with grief I asked if she could do this with me later. She then gave the ring to another sister. I was (obviously, still am) broken hearted. More for my son than myself; but it would have been nice to give him something from his grandfather. But that’s beside the point. The point is that the “distributing” of his things was not organized or polite and I am really hoping it wont be the same with mom.

This Sunday all of my sisters are coming to my home to go through mom’s “things”. I am anxiety ridden about this. With age I have become much more vocal and a lot less kind about how I put things. If I hurt feelings, I don’t mean to, but I will tell it like it is. This has gotten me into a lot of trouble with my older sisters, especially the past few months while I was helping mom. I need to keep the urge to “share” my feelings to myself, and let little irritants go. There are a lot of irritants to work with here; for them as well, I’m not a easy to deal with.

There will be no alcohol, I have found that really heightens all of our issues and sensitivities. No drugs, although I do have Xanax at the ready if necessary; but I was hoping to stay awake through this.

Seriously, my daughter and granddaughter will be here tonight and I will have my husband and and son with me tomorrow as well. They are my safe space. I need to rely on their love and support to get through this. Tomorrow’s service is going to be very difficult. I haven’t really grieved the loss yet. Oh, here and there I let my feelings out; in the shower usually where no one can hear or see me. I don’t like to share what I consider “deep” feelings with anyone, not even my family. I have a feeling the flood gates will open wide tomorrow.

It really all boils down to doing what would make mom happy and proud of her girls. All I can say is that I am going to try my very best to do that.

Cheers to the woman with a heart of gold and a soul to match! All my love mom, you are always with me.

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