Anger and Self Sabotage

Does anyone see me? Can you hear me? Then why don’t you answer me? I’ll get you to respond, you &*&%$@   (*@$   $(^$#! You heard that, didn’t you? Is that what I need to do to be heard? Insults, curse words and complete chaos? That’s how I feel. So why are you doing this to me? I’m falling to pieces trying to deal with you, do you realize that?

How does a person come back from a full on freak out; complete with f-bombs and screams that increase in volume as you go? You can’t, not really. At least that is what I’m finding out. What I don’t understand is how I am able to be a completely normal, amiable, even keeled person in my everyday life and then turn into an angry, screaming shrew with my sisters?

I am still trying to figure that out. There are times when I have thought about up and moving, no forwarding address, no phone, no way to track me. That would be the easiest solution, but not one I would ever consider. Okay, not true, I have considered it on too many occasions for me to count.

I have been researching and studying anger for a bit, trying to figure out what I might do to get myself under control. I have listened to a number of “self help” gurus; one of my favorites was Tony Robbins. He suggested that there is a deeper reason for the way I react; bad memories, old hurt feelings and the like. If I am being honest, I already knew this and every self helper I listened to said the same thing, Tony Robbins just said it in a way that resonated with me.   

I would like to control my anger for the upcoming service for our mom; I don’t want anyone to be able to affect me in any way. So taking the time to figure out what ill feelings I am harboring from my childhood will just have to wait. I need to figure out how to keep myself in check and do it one month’s time.

Meditation was the first thing that came to mind; however, I have never been able to completely quiet my mind and I end up getting up and jotting down notes of things I don’t want to forget. Meditation is a complete bust for me. Xanax is another possible short term solution; however I really need to have my wits about me with this group.

At this point, I am just going to have to try my best, skip the alcohol and make sure there is an escape route for me (that is essential). I had better not hear “Susie, calm down”, “what is wrong with you?”, etc. I am hoping that they allow me to speak, finish my sentences and not interrupt me. If this small feat is accomplished by all of us (including me); things should be fine. If not, my next story may be “How to Un-friend Your Family”, or “How to Disappear From Your Current Life”.

Any ideas? Anything you can share with me to get me through this? I’ll listen, I’m very good at that. Seriously, any legal suggestions are welcome.

Peace out.

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