Avalanche Up Ahead

What do you do when emotions get the better of you and cascade down upon you, burying you deep below a mountain of anger, bitterness, embarrassment and frustration? Seriously, what do you do? I tend to keep exploding, to keep the feelings flowing down on top of me; I spin further out of control until I am so worn out that I can’t cry or laugh. I just feel like dead weight. Everything is too heavy to bear and rescuing myself seems impossible.

Is this loss of control due to my medication? Very possibly. Is there anything I can do about it? I’m really not sure. I should be telling my doctor about this, but I won’t. I should find a professional to talk to, but I won’t. There are times I will apologize to those I have hurt and sometimes I won’t. Why? When I spin out of control I am still trying to explain what is happening to me and why I am hurt and dyeing under this weight of emotion; but some do not listen. They do not understand. Instead they lecture and list what’s wrong with you from their standpoint. That frustrates me even more and I keep trying to make them understand to no avail. All that does is make things worse and me more angry and the frustration grows until I just want to scream.

I wrote a piece about migraines a year or so ago and I think it also applies to the rage I am feeling:

Silent Storm

A single drop lands
Alerting you that something is coming
The sting surprises you
A silent storm is coming

The sky darkens; your entire body feels this
The frustration builds as more drops fall
The frustration turns to helplessness
It surrounds you, the cold seeps into your bones
It is coming

The clouds are black,
the wind is swirling
Churning your stomach
Making you weak
Not another storm, not now, not again

As the feelings well up inside
You sense the turbulence down to your core
You feel the rumbling in your soul
The darkness is enveloping you
Anger is now setting in
This storm is going to rage

Take cover?
There is no cover for a silent storm in one’s mind
Only frustration, helplessness and anger

Claps of thunder, the pain
Flashes, lighting the sky
Lighting the corners of your mind

Only hope and faith will clear the path
Until then, we fight the silent storm
Emotions versus the spirit
This is a battle your soul must win

See my image for today’s post? That is me. Where did that sweet little girl go? She is still here, still inside. Possibly needing a place to go and be loved, by her husband, her kids and herself. Thank heavens for her husband, that man listens, understands and tells me what I need to hear; even when he knows it will upset me. That little girl is in here. I will find her again; however, right now, this woman needs her space.

Peace out y’all.

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